Emotional being

I think the dirtiest and filthiest place in my room would be my Mac. No, I don't mean the hard drive containing all those people without clothes on and doing obscure stuff. I've been eating and snacking so frequently in front of the computer that inadvertently, the grub on my hands/fingers would get transferred to the mouse and keyboard. Ugh. And I don't even want to imagine the little crumbs I'd find if the keys are taken out. Right. Now I feel very motivated to clean up my comp. Right after I have a shower.

***

I've been spending loads of my time reading. More books from the Left Behind series and a wholesome book on family/marriage. Oh, and a rather boring biography of a bar girl working in Hong Kong.

I've been made to think quite a bit while reading the Left Behind series. I have a feeling that God is trying to reach me using this book in some ways. Trying to scare the wits out of me that kind of thing. Point is, I don't doubt His existence. I know He's good and loving and kind, but I am at this juncture where I would recommend Him to other people and not have Him in my life. Wait, let me rephrase that. I just cannot trust Him anymore after all the things that He has allowed to happen and thus I am happy keeping Him out of my life.

You see, to me TRUST is a very important thing. And when I say I trust someone, I put my whole trust in them. You know, those kind of trust that little girls would put in their dads. But once that trust is betrayed, nothing can be done to regain that trust ever again. And it does not matter who the person is. A close friend, a teacher, a lecturer, a parent and God.

Must have been the rainy weather. But is nice and cool to have rain falling softly and tapping on the roofs. Looking forward to a nice night. Hmm. I need some hot beverage.

***

There's one thing I hope I could be. That is, to be more sensitive towards other people. Events that has happened might have made me more callous and cynical and hence, losing the light touch I had. I think I used to be a much nicer person. More patient, more tolerant and definitely more sensitive towards other people. I guess the change also has its good points. At least I won't get trampled on and taken advantage of. And I will get to have my say and have things done my way. Well balance balance. :)

***

Ew. What an emotional post. Maybe it's PMS.

Unusual event

I just had to blog about this because it is such an unusual event and my ego was extremely boosted. :)

So I was given a makeover because I was buying some cosmetics to replace my old fungus-laden ones (for performance purposes lah). And after the whole makeover, I decided to walk to Borders to read some books. On my way there, at the Orchard underpass, a girl came up to me suddenly.

"Hello! Would you like to be the new face?"
"Uh uhm..."
"You know, those you see on ads and media. Would you like to leave your name and number with us?"
"Uh. No no. Thank you!"

Well, what can I do? Despite being an attention seeker, I have a very shy soul. I immediately thought of the loss of privacy the moment she mentioned the word "ad". And of course, am rather flattered too. Make up is wonderful after all.

I was given an earful from LY, Mandy and James for not grabbing this opportunity. OK. Maybe earful is a rather severe word to use, but yeah, they chided me. *sob* And guess what, the first thing my mom thought of was whether they are evil people trying to cheat me. I mean, can't she just make fun of situation like, they might have been cock-eyed and was fooled by my temporary mask (of make up). Sigh.

Ugh. Need. To. Shake. Off. Evil. Pessimistic. Maternal. Influence.

Child/adulthood thoughts

LY thinks that the previous post sound obnoxious. I guess I had meant it to be that way, just to irritate people a little. I don't mean to do any harm really. That said, I got a little defensive but not wishing to start an argument, I kept it to myself. but now I still feel a little defensive. You mean it wasn't funny meh? I thought it was. So I wanted to blog in that manner to amuse myself mah. I don't have much "outside" readers anyway so I think it won't offend anybody. And besides, those people who read my blog know that entries have to read with a pinch of salt.

But then again, words without body language is easily misinterpreted.

***

Felt a little nostalgic today while I was showering. Was trying to romanticize my childhood rather than finding faults in them. Hmm. And it was quite nice.

I think not many (including LY) know that I grew up in a not-so-well-to-do family. We were housed in this semi-detached government quarters located somewhere in the tranquil little garden pocket in Titiwangsa. There were only 7 or 8 houses along the road we live in and no one else uses it cos it's a dead end. Our house had no fence and gate (ala American style) and we had a little garden to play in.

I remember that my father loved taking me out for walks in the nearby park and took manymany photos. I loved the park because I could take rides on the horses! And because I love the swings and granite slides they have there. There was a thin wall about a foot-size width for kids like to walk on balance ourselves. It gets progressively higher so usually the bravehearted ones would be able to complete the "wall". I liked that wall.

Back at home, I had playmates about my age and all of them were boys. We played tag, some military hideout games, and lots of sprinting along that little road right outside our house. We cycled a lot and would dare each other to take a walk in that scary backlane with overgrown grasses. We also played masak-masak, procuring our raw materials from wild flowers and leaves. I remember when I was 6 or 7, I learnt to ride a bike. So after learning how to ride a short distance, I ventured out to the little road. My playmates were out playing some ball games with each other and I was trying hard to cycle a longer distance. Then I fell. Scraped my knees and all. My playmates laughed at me. At that point, I got so angry that I propped the bike upright again and cycled after them. And that was the day I cycled.

But of course we grew up and eventually my family moved away and got a little apartment somewhere north of KL. And to my shock (and horror), I found that TWO of my primary school teachers were staying there as well. So that became my home throughout my adolescent and young adult years. We will be moving out again very soon, to a faraway place, light years away from civilisation and aboslutely ulu place called Shah Alam.

And you know what, I don't feel like I belong anywhere already. I have been away from home since I was 16 and I don't feel at home anywhere. I will never treat this place as "home" because it is still a foreign country after all. A place, where I told my friends many many years ago, that I will eventually leave. But when I go home to KL, I find that my world views and beliefs have changed and that things are not as rosy as they were when first I left it.

I think I need a permanent place to stay, and some place where I could call it "home". This moving in and out of rooms for the past 7 years have been extremely tiring. And this is part of the reason why I don't feel any attachment to this place.

And of course, home is where the heart is. Maybe my heart is displaced too.

Very long post-exam post

I didn't particularly want to do a post that says in caps and bolded announcing that my exams are already over. In fact, it should just be a hush-hush affair lest it triggers unnecessary hatred towards myself. On a side note, I wouldn't discount that there are already a few spiteful people extremely jealous of my gorgeous hair and exquisite beauty. I bet they are lusting after my impossibly intelligent mind as well. I guess one can't be a perfect person ya? *wink*

OK good. I've just gotten rid of those people who dislike me but still come haunting at my blog day after day. Haha.

Anyway, yes! My exams are over! The past few days have been very tortuous because of the tight exam schedule and very much because of the subject matter that had to be studied. Being able to remember ALL the drug names (which I can, being an impossibly smart person I am), ALL their mode of action (I can only do about 95% I guess), ALL their different pharmacokinetic properties which includes all matter related to absorption, distribution, metabolism and excretion (about 50% I guess. Who the hell memorises half lives of drugs?? Lunatics.), ALL their side effects (OK lah, a fair 60%) and the necessary drug interactions (definitely 70%) is not an easypeasy thing. Yup. Considering majority of my scores are above the halfway mark, I can safely declare that I am above average. And since the mean is about 75%, I am indeed proven to be extremely intelligent.

I think I'm getting carried away fawning over myself. Hmm.

Well, it wasn't easy trying to revise pharmacology when the brain starts rebelling. Had to appease it by going to bed at a righteous 10pm while the rest of the class went to bed at 2 or 3am. Some didn't even sleep a wink!

But of course, the best part is definitely not the exams. It's the shopping and pigging out that came after that! Spent a lovely with good friends roaming around town and stuffing ourselves silly with fat foods. Heh.

And today was a restful day spent on my favourite pastime - reading. It just sucks to be so busy during term time that I actually feel guilty for indulging in some pleasure reading time. Classmates would cock their eyebrows and ask," You've got time for those books?!" And I would be made to feel rather guilty because I did not spend as much time as them mugging away their life. (Of course, this goes without saying that I'm an extremely intelligent person lah. Heh.)

OK. I shall now interrupt this rather long post with a picture.


Just feeling like getting married. You know, just the experience of going through the wedding only. Heh.

And I've been planning for a few things to do before I get busy with some other stuff again.

Sunday - Sorting out my belongings and throwing away old clothes and stuff, laundry, wipe down the furniture and just clean the room.
Monday - Another shopping trip to buy a few more pressies and things for myself, meet Mandy for extended shopping, might go to Borders to bum around.
Tuesday - Will find something to do during the day and choir starts at night. Grr.

And so on and so forth. I need to get bus tickets, get my manicure and pedicure (to make me look more like an angel!) and write/reply emails to everyone!

Oh my. I realised I have rambled on so much that I have forgotten about most of things I had in mind. Wanted to talk about my post-exam activities, the recent hoohah over Malaysian police force, forgotten friends and basically be philosophical about everything. This post might get too long so I think I'll save those for another day when I'm in a pensive mood.

I have some rather strong opinions over a few issues. But I am contemplating whether to blog them as it might strain some very weak friendship link already. I think I'll just heck it and forget about the person lah. Since I'm like, THE QUEEN and everybody else is a little insignificant being. *irritating tinkling laughter*

And I would love to have a shirt with this printed on. :)


The best grand jete photo I've seen so far. Look at those muscles! I used to be able to do that...almost 10 years ago. Sigh.

Ah. Thanks again Getty Images!

Randomrandom

Aren't these Absolut-ly cute? *giggle* I love 'em!


Thank you for the bottles and pic, LY.

***

Done with Pathology today! Woohoo~ Frankly, today's paper was the most unprepared of all. Information were swimming around in my head. Was finding it very difficult to pick out a thought (something like Harry Potter's silvery thought thingy? What is it called? Someone help me please.) and form a logical pathologic sequence out of it. But I survived. Probably not going to get a fantastic grade I think...but I'm hoping for a pleasant suprise. Heh.

And, WE ARE GOING TO THE ZOO after exams! Whooopee. Have never been to tinylittleisland zoo actually. Can't wait. So exciting!

Romantic things

So ZY thinks having a guy around to carry your food for you is a sweet move. *clears throat* I think it's quite sweet too, only if he does it once in a while. I am not against any sweet romantic actions or words because, believe me, I am a sucker for romantic things.

I love it when LY sends me wonderful cards that say "If there's one thing I can change about you, it'd be the distance". I love it even more when LY lovingly massages my tired feet with moisturiser while I lie there and enjoy. And I especially find it romantic when he trotted to the nearest Starbucks just to buy a cup of apple cider latte (I think) because it's so cold to queue up in line to get Broadway tickets. I love it when he sends a package filled with books and my favourite tidbits.

I love it when he does things for me unexpectedly. But I love to be independent too. Because I am my own person and I am not a weakling.

I simply cannot imagine myself asking him to carry my handbag whenever we go shopping except when it's absolutely necessary. I cannot imagine asking him to bring my food to me to our table while I sit there checking my mobile message inbox for non-existent messages. Well, given that we seldom go to foodcourts, so that is not exactly applicable. I will never ask him to carry my heavy groceries unless his insistence bore me down. And, I have never, and will never expect him to pay for my meals.

And yet I think I am being pampered and spoiled way too much by him.

Blooob

Ah. I've calmed down considerably after posting the previous entry. It's good to let off some steam and just let the words roll out onto the screen. And may I add on. I find girls that depend on the male species to carry their food for them a total dependent piece of spineless worm. Go back to Jane Austen's time then, for you will spend the whole day worrying about your tight corset and waiting for the whole world to wait on you. Be more independent can?! Don't waste the feminists' effort to equalize the female gender with the male.

Anyway, I had a good nap in the afternoon and woke up at 3pm to find that I've missed my lunch. Decided to go online to find some entertainment and spent a while playing the Restaurant game. My highest score is 2500+ something. What's yours? Am going to play it *whisper* full-time after my exams. Woohoo!

OK. Time to focus on next paper now. Have wasted an entirely good afternoon just milling about doing nothing. But am well rested.

Oh, my exams will end on 25 Nov. Please make your dates with me as soon as possible because from 29 Nov onwards, there'll be intensive choir practice. And I wish to spend at least 1 day alone to rediscover myself. And oh, the need to shop overwhelms me! :P

Hear me complain

I know people absolutely hate complaining entries (myself included) but I am actually rather irritated. Not veryvery irritated to the point of using fly swats to swat out object of irritation but the kind that is like an irritating insect that just likes to hover around you when you've already tried fanning it away.

Anyway. I'm irritated. Yes. And I'm going to list down what irritates me with no order of dislike (as opposed to preference).

- Girls with a plastic file and big drops her file and did not attempt to pick it up and had to wait for the boyfriend to do it. HELLO. So dependent ah. What happened to all these feminist-I-can-survive-on-my-own thing? You just destroyed a few decades of hard work there, wo-man.

- Stupid female freshmen in skimpy spaghetti strap top and mini flirty skirt, going for exams. Stupid. Exam venues damn cold lah.

- Constant usage of Malay so that the Ah-me-li-kans won't understand what he says.

- Phonecalls JUST to ask me to sing song. HELLO. I'm having exam, can??

- Neighbours that bring guy friends into their room and they laugh so damn loudly every 5 minutes. Damn irritating lah!

- Stupid people who leave their pots and pans lying around in the pantry hoping that some magic elves would visit at night and help them wash up.

- People who would disappear from your life for a good semester then suddenly decided to be your good friend again when he is convenient to be there.

- Red mosquito bites that itches like hell late into the night.

Argh. I'm just irritated lah.

Though I was rather happy that I actually jumped and whooped when I got back after this morning's paper. Three more papers to go.

SIGH.

Mmm...rain :)

Yup. It's pouring outside now. A polyuria *groan* kind of rain. Heh. A cathartic sort of rain to wash away the heavy air filled with dirt and dust. Mmm. I love rain. And I love it even more when I'm sitting comfortably at my desk, tapping away at the keyboard while enjoying the occasional strong gust of rain-wind (no such thing lah, but it sounds nice. Rain-wind. Heh.)

Well, I was just reminded of something after I read somebody's blog online. I remember some time ago, there is this guy in my current class that asked me why I dislike tinylittleisland. Of course, not wishing to offend him (he being a tinylittleislander and all), I gave him the most diplomatic answer I could muster without crossing my fingers/eyes/legs/whatnot. I said, "Well, I just find the way things are done differently here and it leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth." This same guy then gave me shocked expression, asking me why again and launched into a NE-ish sort of lecture, chiding me for disliking tinylittleisland. Of course, I was offended by then. If you are not ready to hear what I have got to say about this tinylittleisland, then don't tease open the Pandora's Box lah! And if you see all the ugly widgets and midgets then it's the consequence of opening the box lah! Duh! And he even said, "I think you shouldn't dislike tinylittleisland you know."

Like, HELLO? I am entitled to my own dislikes/likes. And since YOU asked me about it, then it shouldn't be a pretext for lecturing me afterwards what. Pfft. Narrow-minded moron.

Most people I know have some sort of dislike for this tinylittleisland. Even some tinylittleislanders themselves have criticisms about this place. It is not a happyjoyfulperfectplace without flaws after all. And because I was brought up in a very different environment with a different value system, I find it difficult to stomach certain ways people get things done here. Some are amusing, but most are just downright kiasu. Anyway, I could be labeled as narrow-minded as well, for insisting that my view is the best, but I believe in alternatives when doing things. I feel that there is a point in time when you start realising that there is no best way to get things done, but there are in fact many alternatives that could work well too.

And some alternatives get condemned because of people riding their morality high horses and their sheer narrow-mindedness. (Just like how people condemn cohabitation, single-parent families etc.)

Anyway, I think I have gone a little out of point.

I'm quite tired now lah. Spent the whole day studying and daydreaming (only a little!) about the coming hols. Heh. Eek. Need to get my logical thinking back! Need to write essays for sociology.

Ah. The rain has stopped falling. I should go back to the mundane world of exciting (oxymoron!) medicinal chemistry where people tweak a molecule a few Angstrom in size just to make the best drug to cure cancer.

Taking a break

Time check: 12.22 am
Date check: 15 November 2005
Day check: Tuesday

Day of first paper: Friday
Date of first paper: 18 November 2005
Time of first paper: 2.30 pm

Time left to first paper: 85 hours and 8 minutes

Uhm. I think I could have made better use of my 2 minutes doing something related to my exams rather than calculating stupid things.

I should scoot off now. I have just managed to bore myself out.

The morning after

You know that it's time to wake up when your dream turns from an absolute nonsensical sequence of events to reciting antimicrobial names and their preferred routes of administration.

ARGH.

This is such a tough hurdle to cross over. And this time round, I simply have no patience and grit to persevere through. I just want the holidays already.

Yesterday's party was funfunfun. Had a great time with ex-classmates and just lounging around till 12 midnight. Had quite a few drinks (just beer and wine) and was feeling just alright. Wanted to drop by Holland V actually to grab a drink or something but was feeling very tired already.

Bye.

1705

Eeek. Have been stoning in front of the computer again for a good hour, running after links that lead me to strangers with blogs. Some are good writers, some are just plain bimbos, some are entertaining and some are just too damn serious. I don't know, but reading these famous blogs seem like watching TV in a sense. You know that they are writing about their lives and all, but you cannot help thinking that they might have added some adverbs, adjectives or prepositions here and there just to spice up the stories. It is inevitable really. I mean, who would want to read paragraphs of I went to the loo and shat this afternoon. Compared with I rushed to the bigass handicap toilet *cough* and quickly tore my zip and released a couple of missiles into the white bowl while the sun is high up in the sky? I would say the latter is slightly more interesting and even though it makes no sense, people would rather read it as compared to the former.

So back to the TV analogy. Many sitcoms and movies are reflections of real life. Real life events inspire at least a small portion of the storylines in movies. And we like watching shows/movies because we can relate to some of the storylines. (I am discounting the fact that there are shows like "Alien" and "The X Files" and "Back To The Future".) And somehow blogs are like shows/movies. We relate to them. And we are intrigued by their writing style.

You see, I am not making any sense right now. I am still finding my footing and I have not even typed out my thesis statement yet. Oh the fury of Pereira is upon me!

OK. Thing is, there are people who try to define what a BLOG is. Of course many stick to the traditional definition of it being just an online journal, a sort of a diary for friends and family to read and be updated. And there are some neurotic people who try to force this definition down other people's throats. (Not as if I'm the victim or anything, I'm just a kaypoh commenting on other people's actions.) But I feel that it is evolving from just an online diary. I believe blogs are the mass media of today. Everybody is turning into a journalist of some sort. Of course there is no censorship save for self-censorship, so we get to see the extremes of blogging. There are people who believe in absolute blackness and there are the other extreme who believes in absolute whiteness. And of course, many stay in the gray area. They talk about controversial stuff and though many have no credentials to prove their points correct, it is nevertheless, their raw opinion (though it may be uninformed).

As for myself, I am just trying hard to keep my blog the way it was meant to be. An outlet for me to comment on things, a place to rant where necessary and a stage to show off my whatever skills/talents/acquirement.

Anyway, I still don't get the point of this post. If you still cannot figure out my point of this post, it's OK. I'm just rambling. And I'm still trying to come up with a conclusion.

After all, my thinking is still in progress, and I am just documenting my thought process. But that doesn't mean I owe to anybody to write a conclusion aye?

Right, back to books now. Exams next Friday. Ugh.

Serene

I am enjoying all the free time I can get before settling down to study for my finals. They are coming up, uhm, next Friday. Not much time for me to go through notes at a leisurely pace. Need to consider mugging the textbook too.

Am blissfully happy now. Just because. *grin*

Actually was contemplating on blogging about something rather judgmental and depressive. But I guess I can keep that to another day. Hopefully I'll forget it by then. And yeah, it's about some people I know.

I guess some friends are just not worth having. And some friends need to be held close and nurtured at every possible opportunity.

This is the first time I am enjoying my time in my uni, after hating this place and it's people for the past 2 years. I got to do things I like, I got to stay in the best room (so far) on campus, I boss around once in a while, I kept myself fit and paid attention to my character development. Things are going very well indeed. And the best thing of all, I found a group of friends I can count on to gossip and basically just be myself totally. I guess it took a long while, didn't it? I mean, I'll be graduating in 1.5 years' time! Haha. Better late than never.

Am taking things slowly for now. Just finished studying a few chapters and am just typing out my feelings at the moment. I am very thankful for this semester really. (How many times have I said this!?)

Anyway, just a few personal notes to the people who matters a lot to me. Here goes.
Nadia >> You've been an inconsistent constant in my life. Haha! Such oxymoron isn't it? Do take care of yourself! I can't stress enough of this! Heh.
Weelee >> Uhm, you're the coolest person I know cos you dared to take the road less travelled. And cos you've always been there for me...
LY >> Aiyah. All I need to say has been said either during phone conversations or emails. No need to gross other people out. Heh.

And uh. My IQ level has stopped dropping! Whee~

Wahaha...

Allow me this few moments of gloating because I have finished mugging Pharmacology (!!!!!) for the coming test only lah wei. I still have my finals to go. Bah.

I am so happy I'm so happy (like just got released from jail liddat). Whee~

It is indeed a GRAND accomplishment when you manage to stuff all the 36342523576 antibiotics names, pharmacokinetic properties, adverse effects and drug interactions into the head. Whee. I just need to keep it there for the finals while I mug up another 2122387623426 drugs from the first 2/3 of the semester. Yup.

Show you a pic lah. I actually wrote down all the drugs we have to learn (except the cancer drugs lah, dunno why I didn't wanna write that). *SMUG*

Pocketful of Stars

In the midst of mugging chloramphenicol, ciprofloxacin, ampicillin, metronidazole and fusidic acid, I was jumping around catching stars.

Uhm. *blush* I am officially hooked to this brainless and dumb game called Pocketful of Stars. It is so highly addictive (to me) that I had to force myself to finish one chapter of antimicrobials before allowing myself to indulge in catching the stars. I'm doomed. This is the wrong way to go just 3 weeks before exams!! Argh argh argh. I need to lock my computer up soon before I harm myself permanently.

Hmm. Maybe I'll have just a last game before I continue mugging...

HELP!

Bananas

I just had a banana for breakfast. It wasn't the most pleasant tasting banana I had in a while. I can't remember the type of banana I had, but it is pretty large and long and comes from Philippines.

So I usually buy them in a comb of 5 or 6 bananas, depending on how much I crave for them. And I would usually get them from Cold Starage too (that's out of point). I'd choose those that are rather green on the sides because the max number of bananas I can eat in a day is 2. Sometimes 3. It depends. And they ripen very quickly too.


The perfect bananas, ready to eat. Yum.

You see, I like to have my banana firm and with a tinge of sour-ness. I don't like it when it starts to get soft and mushy and the skin will just drop off on it's own after you've peeled it. So during that optimal period, I had to force myself to eat as many bananas I can so that I won't have to eat soft, overly sweet and mushy bananas later on.

As for the banana I just consumed, it was at the verge of going too ripe. The skin was thin and dropped off easily even as I began to peel it. Yuck. And the exterior of the banana was just soft and mushy, slightly fluffy cos the skin was starting to merge to the flech (if you get what I mean). And the taste, ugh, the TASTE was bad. Too sweet and the texture was just BAD. Ugh.


Too ripe for my taste. Don't think these bananas are of the same kind, but yeah lah. Whatever.

I think I'm going to throw the last banana away.

PS: Thanks to Gettyimages again.

Happy Diwali!

Yay. I love festivals. Not because of all the merriment that surrounds it, but to non-celebrants like me, having a day off from school is very important. Teeheehee.

I was planning to blog about a couple of serious issues yesterday, but all I managed to do was to add the OneStat button at the bottom, just to track who visits my blog.

But anyway, since it's a happyhappy holiday...I shall spare the serious post till later. I need to make good use of this little break to STUDY! Woohoo~ 2 more tests to go then it'll be reading week. Time just flies. And I will be going into my 2nd semester of my 3 year of study. And before long, I'll be out there working, jostling my way and trying to reach the top of the ladder. When will this competition ever end? Should I end it within myself? But I very the kiasu leh...

Hah. That's all for now. I shall just post a cropped pic of a pumpkin. Methinks it's veryvery cute! Thanks to gettyimages again. :)



So cute, yes?