Singapore needs to uproot itself.

I have just finished munching on a bar of Hershey's Cookies and Cream chocolate in this sweltering hot and humid weather. I am so gonna destroy my throat.

Am very pissed right now. The weather is freaking hot. I did not get a good nap and I did not get to talk to you properly before you promptly disappeared without leaving any messages. WTH. And I am quite tired of such a long day. Bah. And could the rain clouds just come? And since it's here, might as well let down all the baggage and relieve us of this freakingly hot weather.

Did the presentation today. It went on pretty well. The tutor seemed glad that I managed to pick out some of the hidden-but-yet-not-so-hidden meanings in the poem. *grin* Am pretty pleased with my feat in Lit after 3 years of not doing it properly! Yay.

I am still pissed.

ARGH.

And what infuriated me even more was my dearest beloved country was being insulted twice in a day by egocentric Singaporeans on Malaysia's National Day itself! Idiotssssssss.

MERDEKA!!!

Just sitting in the room, I could hear shouts of enthusiastic fellow Malaysian counting down to the Merdeka moment. :) I'm too tired to join in the fun.

Oh oh, now I hear the Negaraku. I could remember also the amount of pride I have (for the first time in my life) when I sang the national anthem OUTSIDE Malaysia. Hee.

Happy Birthday my dear country. Merdeka merdeka MERDEKA!

Memories

As I fastened that bracelet on my right wrist, I couldn't help but to recall how you would insist on doing it for me although you have not-quite-so-dainty fingers. Hee. I wished you could do this for me once again.

I shall try to post this up just before today ends! Tomorrow is Malaysia's 47th birthday. And I want to declare clear and loud that I AM SO PROUD TO BE A MALAYSIAN! Whee~

Long and tiring day today. Performance went well despite the lousy audience response and yucky sound system. Bonding was great among the singers and it's just lovely. Woohoo~ All I wish for is to be able to be part of it. Not to be the one running all over the place and tying up loose ends.

And I wish I could just do the same to you, to show you the tenderness of my touch.

I should be reading my Lit text! But instead, I got lured to check my email and I found this:
*****
A Forever Kind of Love By Christy M. Martin

One of our favorite patients had been in and out of our small, rural hospital several times, and all of us on med-surg had grown quite attached to her and her husband. In spite of terminal cancer and resulting pain, she never failed to give us
a smile or a hug. Whenever her husband came to visit, she glowed. He was a nice man, very polite and as friendly as his wife. I had grown quite attached to them and was always glad to care for her.

I admired their expression of love. Daily, he brought her fresh flowers and a smile, then sat by her bed as they held hands and talked quietly. When the pain was too much and she cried or became confused, he hugged her gently in his arms and whispered until she rested. He spent every available moment at her bedside, giving her small sips of water and stroking her brow. Every night, before he left for home, he closed the door so they could spend time alone together. When he was gone, we'd find her sleeping peacefully with a smile on her lips.

On this night, however, things were different. As soon as I entered report, the day nurses informed us she had steadily taken a turn for the worse and wouldn't make it through the night. Although I was sad, I knew that this was for the best. At least my friend wouldn't be in pain any longer.

I left report and checked on her first. When I entered the room, she aroused and smiled weakly, but her breathing was labored and I could tell it wouldn't be long. Her husband sat beside her, smiling, too, and said,"My Love is finally going to get her reward." Tears came to my eyes, so I asked if they needed anything and left quickly. I offered care and comfort throughout the evening, and at about midnight she passed away with her husband still holding her hand. I consoled him and with tears running down his cheeks he said, "May I please be alone with her for awhile?" I hugged him and closed the door behind me.

I stood outside the room, blotting my tears and missing my friend and her smile. And I could feel the pain of her husband in my own heart. Suddenly from the room came the most beautiful male voice I have ever heard singing. It was almost haunting the way it floated through the halls. All of the other nurses stepped out into the hallways to listen as he sang
"Beautiful Brown Eyes" at the top of his lungs.

When the tune faded, the door opened and he called to me. He looked me in the eyes then hugged me saying, "I sang that song to her every night from the first day we met. Normally I close the door and keep my voice down so as not to disturb the other patients. But I had to make sure she heard me tonight as she was on her way to heaven. She had to know that she will always be my forever love. Please apologize to anyone I bothered. I just don't know how I will make it without her, but I will continue to sing to her every night. Do you think she will hear me?" I nodded my head "yes," unable to stop my tears. He hugged me again, kissed my cheek, and thanked me for being their nurse and friend. He thanked the other nurses, then turned and walked down the hall, his back hunched, whistling the song softly as he went.

As I watched him leave I prayed that I, too, would someday know that kind of forever love.
*****
Sigh. So lovely isn't it? Made me cry...

That Lonesome Road

Bah. I just posted something which I have deleted again. It's something about what guys and girls do when they are in love/out of love etc. Quite dumb actually but there are nuggets of truth to some. Of course, not to mention the atrocious English that came with it.

I'm glad this busy weekend has come to an end. But a busy week awaits! There will be a performance tomorrow followed by a presentation on Tuesday. Wednesday would be a "rushing" day due to practicals. I'm actually looking forward to Thursday because things would have wind down a lot more. Hmmm. Ever since Matric Fair, everything was rushed. The practices, welcome sessions etc. Crazy crazy. At least these few practices (until the next performance) would be pretty stress-free. I emphatise with the juniors. I would be horrified if I were in their shoes. Hahaha.

Week 4 beckons! I think I might be going home during the term break. I need a rest!

I think I should go back to The Moonstone.

I have kept quiet long enough.

I just blogged about some stuff which I have decided to remove. Partly because I do not wish to epitomise the person I was talking about. But in any case, I just want to make this clear. You are not important in my life and if I'm not in your list of important people, it's OK. I don't give a damn. I have so many more important things to deal with and I really cannot find any worthy cause to be concerned over your tiny little irritation with me.

There you go. *wink*

PS: If you want to know what the heck I'm talking about, ask about it through MSN yeah.

Hur hur

Spilled some Yakult on my choir file. Now the whole smells of sweet, fermented milk. Aih.

An extremely busy weekend to look forward to! Whee~

But I'm already sooooo tired. Feel like going for a tanning session at the beach, but that would warrant a bad scolding from mom.

Phone bill this month was a bit higher than last month's. But it's good progress downwards, nevertheless. I can see $$ sitting nicely in my account waiting to be converted to USD. Heehee.

*yawn* Time to go now.

Goodnight sweetheart.

Gah-may-lan

Had my first tutorial for SEA music today and it was a gamelan learning session. How much more interesting can this course get! :)

We were ushered into the gamelan room at noon by our lecturer. The moment I entered, a waft of stale air hit my nostrils. We had to remove our shoes and walk respectfully to the instruments. But it was just awesome. The huge gong with diameter as tall (or maybe taller) as I am when seated on the floor. Those bronze xylophones and the bonangs -- a kettle-like bronze "drums" resting on strings attached to intricately carved wood rests -- were a sight to behold. It felt magical.

The lecturer did a very brief introduction of the instruments and we started off by playing some simple music. It's not that hard to play, really, nothing technical, but it requires a humongous effort to listen to other instruments play. At the same time, we have to keep to our own timing or else the whole music structure will collapse. I had the privilege to play the gong ageng, which essentially holds the whole music together.

Hmm. Stupid fire alarm went off. Which means I have to evacuate. Will continue later if I'm back soon enough. Cheers!

BIMBO!

Wah. So early and I'm already sleepy. Haha.

Anyway, am in a happier mood lately. More motivated to work. :) Thanks to you darling. Heehee.

*fume*

Grrr...I shall not complain about the stupid mess I made during choir today.
I shall not complain also of the stupid mistakes I have done.

But I am thankful that so many were still very supportive of me.
And I am thankful that there are so many that sticks around still.

I hope things will turn out superbly on Thursday.
I hope these juniors will stay on.

I am not a good president. But I am trying. I just need divine intervention.

Something Jovial!

Hahaha. After loads of sad, depressing and puzzling entries, I'm going to post something stupid. Like this:

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	You body was found mangled in a brutal death from an insane lover or jealous significate other.The murderer was sentenced to death row but the chair or gas was too good for them. They sowed you up in a bag and tossed you in your casket, It's a closed case unless your friends and family want to be sick.
Death Date:	January 20, 2044
Number attending your funeral?	70
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$668,599
Quiz created with MemeGen!

It's so hard to be strong

I find it difficult, also, to be a young adult. Someone well out of teens but yet still somewhere slightly beyond the threshold of adulthood. It is complex, how the world works. I am somehow lagging behind in adapting myself in this "adult" world where everything is judged. Emotions are no longer a valid excuse and everything that is said and done are taken seriously. I am not condemning the seriousness of it all, but it really puzzles me. It seemed like everyone has "grown out" of themselves. Everyone is taking on a new mantle, constantly shrouding themselves with it. Who are the people that can see them without that mantle? Am I making sense? I think not.

Ah. Lonely nights are the times where I hate or cherish most; two extremes I have to contend with whenever either one strikes. Right now, with a totally unrelated reading spread out before me, and my thoughts a million miles away from my readings, I am puzzled. I seek answers, but are they the right ones?

Perhaps this is a phase every person has to go through once in a while. I just hope it would turn out right.

***

I am glad that you have arrived safely in Ithaca. It makes me happy to see you go online and tell me that you are safe. :) Right now, please don't worry about me. I am OK except for the occasional missing and longing. Otherwise, I am content with a solitary mission to pursue. Take care.

Strange Thoughts

Updates nowadays seem to consist him, him, choir and him. Heh. A thousand apologies to my other readers. I seem to be dedicating all my posts to him as well.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little out of sorts lately. Mainly having loads of negative thoughts of people and generally being very mistrusting. Not to mention being very pushy as well. My days have been going on pretty well, except for the humongous load of readings I have to do. Heh.

Feeling a little funny as I type right now. What has my life come to be? It seems that so many things are changing around me. It is either I have become very different, or through the hols, everybody has changed as well. I don't know what is real now. I'm not sure who is being genuinely concerned for me or who is just keeping this "friendship" out of advantage/convenience. Even I am confused. I don't know how much I am putting in to nurture friendships. Somehow, (as Johnson puts it) living in a communal setting for so many years have numbed me from being excited about expanding my social circle. And this numbness also tends to drive me to be more anti-social and less concerned about forging friendships. I guess I'm just too tired from everything. I need a sabbatical. Haha.

But of course I am thankful for the current friends I have. Those that I treasure and those that I intend to keep for a long time to come. Hmm...

I am sounding very weird. I'm not even sure of my thoughts. I'll go have a drink of Yakult.

Ahhhh...

You told me that you are sad cos I am unable to send you off. But do you also know I am similarly as sad cos I don't get to give you a proper farewell?

This is the hardest thing I had to go through so far. I've never managed to conceal my feelings so well. I am pretty amazed, frankly. But the moment I get into my room, I cannot stop the tears from flowing. I am just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the speed at which time passes and the fact that so many important things are happening at the same time. I am sorry if I made you think that I'm weak. I tried to be strong, and it's really very very hard. What is worse, I come back to an empty room. I am so weak now, and I need a hug.

Sorry if I made you feel bad. I'm just upset that I can't say a proper goodbye to you just because I was at a meeting. Life is just so cruel, isn't it.

I'm sorry.

Good bye, my dear.

It was a lovely Wednesday night just a week ago. And yesterday, it was as lovely.

Just a week ago, today, it was a heart-wrenching moment, having to send you off and say good bye. Although I decided to leave a little earlier so that I don't have to see you board the bus and let it move away in my sight. It is probably the same situation today. I would go with you all the way to Sepang if I could, but I am bound by duty. Right now, right here, I could only give you an invisible wave and kiss. Have a good journey sweet and remember to make full use of your time over there. Good bye, again.

Sorry if I made anyone feel uncomfortable reading this. If you have been in my shoes, you'd know how hard it is to bid farewell. And you'd know also that this is not the full extent of how I feel right now.

Ahhhh....

You know what I enjoy most? It's listening to Norah Jones while all around is quiet and I'm all alone. OK, maybe the alone part is not that nice. Heh. And I also enjoy having your arms around me as I go to sleep. :)

I almost went home just now. I was prepared to skip the practical session tomorrow and make it up on another day. I was all ready to take the night train and then arrive home really early in the morning. I have packed my bag, brought my travel documents and I was dressed, ready to step out of the door. But your call halted everything. Your call made my reason took a stronger hold over me. I wanna listen to my heart at least for this time! I've never done anything so bizarre, so crazy. But to look at the bright side, I have saved $50 and a lot more RM. :)

Thank you so much. But I still long to see you. And I would come home to send you off if I could. But as usual, duty calls.

Sangat Memalukan

It's either I have the affinity for embarassment or embarassing events have the affection for me. Anyhow, I made a fool of myself yet again today.

Went to class and arrived right on time. As usual, I sort of made a not-so-discreet entrance since the door was right at the front of the class. Then I walked about the front trying to get to my seat which my coursemates have choped for me. When I sat down, my phone rang, loudly. I quickly rejected the call and frantically switched it to silent mode. As the lecturer was going about the overview of the course, I tried to sms discreetly to the caller telling him that I was having class! And while I was doing that, the lecturer raised his voice a little and said, "...some of you joined this class cos you are interested in music, some of you just wanted to find out more about SEA, but there are also some that want to play with their phones." Oh shit. There goes my reputation on first day of lecture! It doesn't help that the lecture class has only 50 people. Urgh. And somehow my phone still vibrated audibly...and he repeated that "play with handphone" phrase again somewhere. Sigh.

On a totally different topic, I am so so so tired. Just came back from dinner about 30 minutes ago. I need to sleep soon or I'll be dozing away during lecture tomorrow.

Cheers.

A Citizen's Duty

Went online to read The Star and found that they are conducting a Merdeka Poll for young Malaysians. I'm not sure what range does "young" encompass in the poll, but I just assumed it would apply to young adults as well. People like me. Well, sadly, I missed the deadline. I really want to do my part for this little event. Something the politicians won't give much hoot about, but at least it sheds light to what young adults/youths actually think.

After having spent almost 6 years in Singapore - I've been here since 1999 - I still look at my home country with a sense of nostalgia. That was the place I was brought up, where my values are inculcated, and that is where my home is. I have a deep desire to go home after the 3 years bond in Singapore, but again, practicality and pragmatism seem to be constantly struggling my my desire. It would be "stupid" to go home and start all over again with a paycheck that is probably 1/3 of what I would have been earning in Singapore after 3 years. It would also mean I have to sacrifice the dream of going to US or UK to pursue my Masters in Pharmacy. And probably the dream of having my kids going overseas for their education. Ah well, there I go again, thinking too far ahead.

Well, let's just see how long I keep up with this blogging habit. Perhaps by the time I graduate and start working, things might be different. Perhaps by then, he would still be mine, or perhaps I would have found a company that would be willing to pay off the bond and I would be somewhere else. :) It's so lovely being able to dream eh? But in the meantime, I shall focus on what is near. I shall take hold of the present so that I wouldn't be regretting in the future.

Have a great Sunday everybody!

Hope you get well soon, sweet.

Naughtynaughty boy!

Hey! I did not set up the poll at all! I did not even post the previous entry! Why you so naughty ah?!

Vote

In the mood for a poll. So. Am wondering whether I'm becoming/I've become more bimbotic this past year. Leave comments people!

Just a few updates

7 August 2004
My dearest came to Singapore. I was overjoyed and relieved! But inside, there is dread cos this will be the last time I will be seeing him! Sigh. But oh well, threw that horrid feeling aside and enjoyed my day with him.

8 August 2004
Another day with him! Went with him to watch the fireworks although it's not exactly a suprise anymore. :) I hope you liked it.

9 August 2004
Woke up late and went to shop for comforter. But did not get any in the end because I was too picky. And, my heart was crsuhed today.

10 August 2004
Things went on well. Auditions were OK. And classes were way too boring. Haha. Still very fearful although things are mended. The mark is already there.

11 August 2004
More auditions! Did not go because there was something on. And I am so glad to be able to spend my last night with him.

12 August 2004
Woke up early for lab. Met him and ex-classmates for lunch and then I sent him off. It's the last time I get to see him physically. Well, shan't be too upset over this, since the next time I will see him again will be in Dec! Yay~

13 August 2004
Last day of auditions. Hopefully we have more guys coming in. And stats is soooooooooooo boring. Could anybody please tell me the what in the world is one-sided t test, two-sided t-test and Wilkon's test or Mcnemer test or something like that??

Haha. Have fun all.

Reflections

How funny things turn out to be. And how quickly can things change. Like what I have mentioned in the previous post that I was happily folding clothes. And I was thinking, hey, I don't really mind doing this on top of a career. But the next moment, it was all crushed. My hopes are gone. Sigh.

Right now I don't even know how I feel. What has happened will not make me the same person again. I will fear to tread. I will fear to speak right from my head. And I would definitely think thrice before giving a definite answer. Just because things are so fleeting, and it changes so easily.

I am tired from what has happened. I did not have time to pick up and heal. And well, I just don't have enough time for everything.

Spinning round and round and round...

How quickly things change. Just minutes before, I was happily folding clothes. Then after that, I really feel like cramming them all into the dustbin.

Sigh.

On a happier note, HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY YINGMIN! Hope you've had a great time in NYC.

The other way round

Well. This morning it's me who's asleep while he's up and about. Weird huh.

Happy National Day, Singapore

A hot, humid and sunny day as usual. Woke up late and did nothing. He was still sleeping of course.

Then I went for a short meeting. Am glad that trouble is beginning to be solved. Sometimes I wonder whether I have made a right choice. I hope there would be surplus during my term.

Went for a "suprise" outing. Not really a suprise anyore coz someone asked whether we are going to watch fireworks. Cheh. Little did I know that going for that event would mean squeezing and shuffling and elbowing many many many people. I have never seen so many people at one place in my life. I was amazed. It seemed that every single Singaporean was out to Esplanade or Orchard or elsewhere tonight. That is, everywhere but their home. Scary. But it was beautiful. Really nice. I was awed. The fireworks seem to have a lot of red in them. Haha. Anyway, I think Singaporeans complain too much. There was this section in the show where small fireworks are released. I believe it is done to give variety (it IS a show, anyway). I mean, it woud be pretty ridiculous if all the fireworks are big and they might clash into another. Anyway, my point is, there are quite a few Singaporeans remarking behind my back that the fireworks are nice, but they are too small. I mean, WTH. Why must everything be big? So kiasu ah.

Ai. I'm on medication. Do pardon my weird entry. Time to brush teeth now.

Santa Claus is coming to town...

Haha. Not the fat, old man in red lah. It's HIM! Whee~

*cough*cough*

My throat is getting from bad to worse. Yesterday marks the "lowest point" in sore-throat-history where I could barely be audible. I hope that meeting doesn't aggravate my already bad situation. Heh. But NK was so nice! He offered to buy us drinks and me, cannot take cold stuff, don't take coffee and no chocolate stuff is left with tea as a choice (if you could still call it choice). But I politely declined everything, citing my bad throat and cough as a reason. :)

I'm looking forward to a great semester of singing. Yay. But I still have one more module to bid for. Good luck, me!

Phew...

Yay. I managed to get one module today. Introduction to Literary Studies. Don't think I really need an intro, but this would be an intro to a higher level Lit eh. Can't wait for the next round to start so that I can get my last module. :)

Anyway, all said and done, I'm heaving a great sigh of relief after that few hours of nerve-wrecking moments. And also to look at the blog again to realise that childishness tends to be the order of the day when one is in a freakingly angry mood. But I will still leave the post there, as a reminder to myself not to indulge in such horrifying act again. Heh.

Peace, people.

And oh, trouble started brewing today. I hope it can be cleared before the long weekend when he will be here.

My Throat Hurts.

Urgggggh. My throat feels as if I have a million barb wires in it. Graaaar.

I am so pissed. I am soooooooo pissed.

*SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM*

And I had to pretend that everything was alright throughout the day. I had to pretend to talk to the juniors with a stupid cheerful face. And I had to tahan that sore throat to make some stupid announcements. And I had to hold a meeting even though I was dead tired from speaking.

*COMPLAIN*

#@#$%#

I am fuckin' pissed.

First, I forgot to put in bids for my modules. I could just kiss my French good bye. And the music course.

And secondly, there are just some socially/emotianally retarded people that could happily blabber on about some junior that made them laugh till they couldn't breathe while I'm still reeling in anger. And this dumb story is told immediately after I declared that I forgot to do my bidding. Shitty assholes.

Thirdly, in the midst of being busy, I seem to be forgotten. If I did not bump into that bunch of people, I wouldn't know that they are going off to some KTV to sing. And isn't it uncanny that all of them disppear during meal times?

*KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM*

Yet again, I want to run a bus over all their fat bodies.

I'm sick, dammit.

Grrrr. How to work when I'm half dead most of the time? Can you believe I slept for 14 hours last night? And I also had a 2-hour nap in the afternoon. And I still feel very lethargic. The only medication I am on is Panadol and pi pa gao. Urgh. *whinewhinewhine*

Get well soon, me!

The only person that messaged to ask how I am is my SL. A nice guy, he is. I shan't go on now.

I need to sleep. And I am hungry. Thanks to the solitary dinner I had at 6pm.

Lovely tune with beautiful words. I.e. nice song lah.

Will be singing this lovely song for Freshmen Inauguration Ceremony tomorrow. The lyrics didn't really strike me until the last practice on Thursday. As I sang the song, the words, they reflect how my heart feels. To love her (him) is to need her (him) everywhere. *sigh*

Here, There And Everywhere
Paul McCartney/John Lennon

To lead a better life I need my love to be here...

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with the wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I will be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

***

Went for class outing today. As always, it's great catching up with everybody. :)

Anyway, on a totally unrelated topic, kinda realised that inadequacies are a real good way to motivate myself. It probably triggered the kiasu spirit in me. Haha.

Great. I am rambling. There's so much in my head. But I can't seem to make them coherent right now.

Whatever lah.