Hanging on a thread

You know, sometimes it's so easy to just be self-centred and plunge into this self-pitying mode. Envy will begin to rear its ugly head and there you go, a typical depressive day, punctuated with lots of "if onlys".

This is exactly how I feel right now. With his absence, this illness is so much more unbearable. When I went for dinner just now, it must be conincidence that I keep bumping into couples holding hands, couples playing around and couples having dinner together. And there I was, trying to be contented with a storybook as my company for dinner. It gets really hard when you have to put up a strong front and pretend that all these do not affect one ounce of me at all. And all I can is to keep all these feelings to myself and then write it out on a blog like this.

Sometimes I wonder why I made the decision to keep this going even though my *veryrational* head keeps telling me that it's just a mere fantasy. And although I know very well that it's going to get harder as the years go on, yet I still cling on. I just cannot figure out why.

At times like this, when you are at your weakest, physically and emotionally, it would be best to have him around to hold and just be around. But this is just not possible. I have to wipe my own tears, throw my own tear-sodden tissues away and give myself a hug and tell myself that I gotta be strong. I have been "strong" for so long, and I really need some lovin' right now.

Yes. The semester's over for me. But there's still so many loose ends to pick up. Loose ends that I promised myself to finish up by middle of March. And I have had enough of leading at this point in time. All I want now, is to be led. Allow everything to be done for me and decisions made for me. I think I am still a little girl trapped in an adult body.

UPDATE at 7.48pm: Just went blog surfing and getting envious again. The guy spent quite a bit of time drawing for his girlfriend and I think it's extremely sweet. I think a self-made gift carries more meaning and more love than something bought off the shelf. It just shows more thought.

HAHA!

Now, if you think you have known enough extreme activities (stuff like wall-climbing and bungee jumping - why are they called extreme anyway?), check this out! I was pretty baffled that this idea managed to take off. All for a good cause, of course. :)

Am down with a post-exam/post-semester cold. Bleagh. But it's OK. I needed the rest anyway. :D

Shall go have my breakfast now and will pop by the clinic in a while.

Celebrate?

My exams is finally over and I was really glad the moment the invigilator announced "Time's up!". This marks an end to my horrendously hectic and tough semester and I'm happy to have survived it. Yes. Just glad that I survived. I don't know about my results though...but that will be something else later lah.

Suddenly there was a loss of direction. I just didn't know what to do. Although I remember pretty well that I was planning for a trip to the library after the paper and then plopping myself down in front of the TV for a few good hours. And then coming back to my room and cuddle up with the books I borrowed. But that is all.

I have this great big worry in my mind. It was already haunting me since Wednesday, causing me to burst into tears at weird times. And now that my exams has ended, I'm just afraid that it will happen. I'm just so fearful lah. And so easily worried.

And I think some things have changed.

Oh my...

Krishen Jit just passed away. WL, aren't you glad we managed to catch some of his works? Such a loss to the Malaysian theatre...

News here.

Interesting extract from my textbook

"A young male and female, who appeared to be college students, approached me [the pharmacist who wrote this entry] last summer. They both had dermatitis. I identified it as a contact dermatitis of some type, asking them if they had been out in the woods. They confirmed that they had taken a walk in the outer fringes of a nearby park. The pattern was of interest. The male had poison ivy on the elbows and lower arms, as well as the penis and front of the legs. The female had poison ivy on the back of her legs, arms and head as well as her back and buttocks. Apparently they had chosen the wrong location to take their "walk". I recommended benzocaine-menthol spray and hydrocortisone ointment, cautioning them that they might need Rx products if the problem worsened."

Heehee. So interesting.

Having fun

OK OK. This is my last post and I will scoot off to shower and then study. But I'm so proud of my desktop. I'm going to show it off. Heh. Don't you think it's soooooo clutterless and neat. *BEAM*

Woohoo

1. I found out how to use the print screen thing on Mac! A bit slow though...*blush*
2. The weather makes me feel like this:


3. And here is the temperature. Freaking 36 degrees!!! That's just one degree away to equilibrium with my body.

From weather.com

I've got mail!

*GRIN*

Randomly

First things first. My favourite cartoon has been really funny this week. And what I'm going to do after exams is to head down to Borders and get my hands on more of his comics.

Right. Am chatting with mom now and I've lost my train of thought and idea on this blog post.

Anyway. Post a picture first.



Don't ask me why it's a cow. It's just that I've been drinking quite a bit of milk lately.

Now, to the pertinent question of the day. Let's say you have this situation. Assuming that it's a very good thing. And you could possibly predict the outcome. Would you prefer to know that it will eventually come to an end, no matter what happens in the process? Or would you rather have the uncertainty that it might come to an end or it may have a totally different outcome?

OK. That sounds pretty convoluted. Might try rephrasing if you guys don't get it.

The day before finals

This is all I could come up with. I don't how much I know, I don't know how much I have forgotten and I don't know how much I don't know. Sigh. I'm so jittery. And this is very unlike me. I want tomorrow to come quickly so that I don't lose whatever I know through sleep. And so that I could be little relieved.

I miss...

...UNIFORMS!

There I was, happily scooping spoonfuls of cereal into my mouth and my mind was thinking of the upcoming exams. One thought led to another and I started to think how good it was when we were still in uniforms! What is so great about them, you say. It's the pockets. Yep. The pockets. Nowadays, it's hard to find a proper skirt with nicely hidden pockets to stuff things into. Things like tissue paper, a piece of note or two, keys etc. And I'm amazed at the amount of time spent wearing skirts back in school! Just because of the uniform. These days, my daily clothes schedule would be this: Monday - jeans, Tuesday - jeans, Wednesday - mini skirt, Thursday - jeans, Friday - jeans, Saturday - shorts, Sunday - shorts. There you go.

I kinda miss wearing the uniform because it's just so convenient. No need to spend minutes standing in front of the wardrobe and deciding which top to wear and what shoes to match it. Wouldn't say that my previous uniforms were in any way desirable-looking, but I'm quite happy with them. Just that I seem to have this affinity for pleats. Hard to iron lah!

OK. I shall go back to scooping cereal into my mouth and start studying for the day! Whee~

Hmm...

What should I write about in today's post?

It has been an unusual day for me today. Had a throbbing headache that refused to leave and I did not start on any work until 4pm. I say, GO ME. Die lah like that. First paper on Saturday and I'm still very unprepared. And for the paper on Monday? I have forgotten half of the stuff. Oh wait, make that 3/4 of the stuff.

*complaincomplain*

Weather's really nice in the morning. Perfect for beaching around like a whale. But it's READING WEEK. So no whaling for me. But supersunny day became unbearably hot in the afternoon, prompting me to draw all the blinds and sleep in the suffocatingly hot room. Ugh. Stepping out of the room would be another mistake cos I'll be hit by the damaging sunrays that would zap my brains away! Ahhhhhh. OK. That was crappy. I shall just scoot off then. Seems like NOBODY likes to read my blog from now on...judging from the dismal, wait, non-existent comments. *HINT*

*complain*

It'd better rain tomorrow.

Going mad already

Firstly, I want to wear this.But it's not available here yet! Boohoohoo.

Secondly, I'm so freaking tired. My eyes are tired, my butt aches, I have a little tummy and my back is in need of a good pummeling. I am so bored!!! Argh. Was very good with work progress today, but I have not opened my mouth to speak to anyone yet. Well, except for that aunty in the canteen when I was ordering food. I'm going insane.

Let me go on complaining.

I'm so tired of learning the etiology and symptoms and the treatments for peptic ulcers and haemorrhoids and constipation and colds and fevers and fungal infection and so on. Argh. My brain is fried with all the pathways with NADPH, NADH and ATPs and dehydrogenases and carboxylases everywhere. I'm going berzerk. And there's still 4 more days to my first paper.

I can't wait for this semester to end. Second year is by far the craziest and toughest year I've ever been through. This. Beats. RJC. Hands. DOWN. Can you imagine? So many performances in the first semester that I've lost count, 2 major concerts in 2nd semester with 5 freaking core modules. Not to mention the moment I thought I could relax after the elections, I was served with an average of 1 test per week. Well, that's not so bad you say. But it is. I just did not mention the project deadlines and lab reports and assignments. I was going mad, just trying to get to the water surface to catch a breath before I plunge back in. Now the worst is over (3 tests and a presentation in one week), I am faced with another week of madness. 5 modules in a week.

Go me.

Will let you know if I survive.

Since I'm hoping for time to pass quickly, why not let tomorrow be December? Haha. It's sooooooo far away. *grumblemumblebumble*

Somone sprained his ankle!

And he's in bandage and ankle brace. There's a pair for crutches to help him around too. Poor thing. Get well soon, you.

Taking a short break

Having survived doing without the necessary afternoon nap, I shall be nice and post something on my blog.



So much love. So much affection. Thanks.

***

It has been 6.5 years since I stepped onto thislittleisland in Dec 1998. I remember in the first year I was here, I would go home every 10 weeks during the term breaks. Even then, if there's a long weekend, I would pack my bags and go home to spend the weekend with my family. And every time I had to leave home, it would be a teary affair. The subsequent 2 or 3 days after arriving here was marked with countless phonecalls back home. As I began spending more time here, I would go home less, only during the proper school holidays.

When I moved to JC, I don't even go home during the term breaks anymore. Even if I did, it would be 3 days out of the week-long break. Always citing exams, tests, CCA as my reasons for not going home. In fact, I kinda dread the 5-hour long journey home.

This reluctance to go home became worse as I step into uni. However, things started to change last year when I went home for Christmas. I began to open my eyes and see that my parents are getting old, my brother is becoming a man and I am losing out on the progress of my family. From then, I made the effort to go home for CNY, Easter and a long break some time ago. I just feel the need to spend more time with my family, to finally be close to them as I may not have the liberty to do so when I start working.

I began to resent thislittleisland's screwed up 5-day work week policy. Everywhere I go, they shout that they are pro-family. But from the way they plan their lessons and activities, they do not wish that we leave this place at all. I love my family and I will never let anything stand in my way.

Picture book!

In the morning in class,



Having spent the afternoon with wonderfullest person in the world, I felt like this,



Now the rain is slowly falling, gently and soothing...this would be inviting. :)



Thanks again to Gettyimages.

Picture!

And since I'm quite jolly, I shall put up a happy pic for all to see. :)



Thanks to gettyimages.com for this picture!

Jiggling jiggling

Seem to have this penchant for over-blogging today. Because right now I am smiling like mad. :) *smileeeeeeeeeeee*

You know that precise moment when you have this enveloping emotion? Well, it reached the zenith and all I could feel was soothing warmth. And there was this tiny ache (a good one, mind you) in the deep recesses of my chest, knowing that the soft spot was hit. It felt so good. And renewed my entire emotional palette.

*does a little jig*

Life sucks sometimes. But I love it when little gems pop out of nowhere. Now that I'm on top of the world, nothing can bring me down. Not a horrendous day, not a stinky PRC down the corridor and not a Viet song on repeat mode. :)

And guess what I saw just now. A juggler in the middle of the courtyard at precisely 6.30pm for the second time in the week! I think he has a set of glow-in-the-dark balls. *envy* Heh. And I know you're going to scold me for leaving the set of blue-red-yellow juggling balls in the drawer at home. *grin*

Btw, Mr. Sim Wee Lee, I miss you! Come home for Christmas can? You owe me manymanymany drives back to Setapak. Heh. And I wanna have that "annual" thing at your house again.

Made My Day. Totally.

Through all the blog links here and there, I came upon this blog of someone I knew existed but do not know him personally. His style of writing totally lifted me up. His philosophy of life, his love for RAIN and his quirky little stories yanked me out of my depression mode. :) And you know what, he sounds a little like Terry Pratchett.

I like!

This is good news indeed! :)

"Good news for Malaysian pharmacy students disillusioned with the prospect of having to undertake three-years of compulsory service in the government sector after qualifying.

Postgraduate studies are now included under this three-year term. This essentially means that those interested in further study can undertake a three-year PhD (for example) and come out ‘free agents’."

But the question now is, where can I do the post-grad studies?

I think...

...I should just quit school. Heh. Read this.

This is ME!

Your answers suggest you are a Mastermind

The four aspects that make up this personality type are:
Planner, Ideas, Heads and Introvert
Summary of Masterminds

* Visionaries who put energy into achieving their goals
* Prefer to work independently and dislike inefficiency
* Think of themselves as logical, thorough, and bright
* Values practicality and common sense above ideas and theories

More about Masterminds

Masterminds create a vision for the future by gathering and organising information. They then develop strategies to achieve their goals. They have a rare gift for looking at almost anything and seeing how it can be improved. These skills and the Masterminds' high standards often allow them to reach leadership positions at work.

Mastermind is the least common personality type in the UK, according to a nationwide survey.

Masterminds value independence and prefer to work on their own. Once they have decided on a course of action, Masterminds rarely change their minds, although they can be persuaded by clear reasoning by someone they respect.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Masterminds may cut themselves off from a group and criticize people who don't understand their plans. Under extreme stress, Masterminds may overindulge in sensory experiences like eating, shopping or watching television.

Masterminds often have an unusual sense of humour, which arises from their ability to spot surprising links between seemingly unconnected facts.

Mastermind Careers

Masterminds are drawn to jobs requiring logical analysis or abstract thinking common in science or technical fields.

Do the test here!

Ah. Rain!

I have this immense affinity for all things liquidy and watery. I love juices, prefer soupy stuff, love rain (and SNOW!), love the sea and so on. Maybe it has something to do with my "watery" character. Heard about it somewhere though I can't remember exactly when. Anyway, it's just lovely to be indoors and enjoying the cool air while it pours like Someone-Up-There is emptying a bucket of water. Nice.

I've just unplugged my wacky macky mouse for fun. Am going back to the primitive sense of touch again. Kinda missed it.

There was once a guy in choir (we used to call him fortune teller cos he dabbles in such stuff. He claims he can "feel" otherworldlypresence.), he held my right palm and looked deeply into it. Told me that guys are easily attracted to me (haha!) and my career will only reach its peak in the later stage of my life. And he turned my hand around and told me to roll it into a fist. He said that I will have 2 relationships before I get married. And he also mentioned that I will marry one of them (though I'm not going to reveal which one. Heh). Interesting isn't it?

Had a mind-blowing Pharmacology test today. I am not sure how I did. Though I know I left a lot more blanks than the previous test. Am quite afraid of the negative marking actually. It's like, you get a correct answer, you will get 1 point. Get a wrong answer, it's -1 point. And there goes your correct answer. No credit whatsoever. So unforgiving? Not even a second chance? Even Anatomy department gives -0.25 point for an incorrect answer. I guess it is somewhat reflective of the values that's being practiced here.

Good afternoon today! Another session of brainless chatter and webcamming. Heh. But I what I really want...is an air ticket to fly over during summer. :)

$$$$

Now. If only I could lower my salary to US$1, I would do it. Dang.

Forever?

There will be a day when I get to say, "I'm so happy to be able to spend my whole life with you!"

And there will also be this day I tell you that I will love you till the day I die.

And there will be this particular day where we would hold hands and look into each others' eyes, saying "I DO" and immortalizing the moment in our minds.

I believe I will see this day when I hold a little baby in my arms while you look on - the product of our love.

I will get to do all these. It's just who the YOU would be.

Reminiscing

Looking back at the years I spent at home before coming to this island, a third of my time was spent on perfecting this beautiful art.

Observations

A man, dressed in slacks and long-sleeved shirt, rolled to his elbow, sitting on the bench in a bus stop. Shaking his legs back and forth, he kept his eye on the road, looking out for a bus or taxi (I don't know). Occasionally, he would turn to his left and looked at a little girl in a pink dress, engrossed in her own world of make-believe. This, in just a mere 3 seconds. The bus that carried me went past. And this, is an excellent picture of fatherly love.

And another, a medium-built man with brownish hair pulled back into a small ponytail, leaning against the public phone. Whispering secrets that only he and the other person will know. I wonder who was he sharing the secret with? A friend? His other half? His parents?

It's a warm and humid night. The sweat that poured out from my pores stuck on my skin, refusing to evaporate. Listening to odd jazzy tunes and wondering whether I should start thinking about how to salvage my horribly done Microbio practical test (part one).

Mixing leisure with work. How would ranitidine, atenolol, carbachol, diphenhydramine, domperidone and metoclopramide help me sing better? (Haha. Of course the previous statement don't make any sense. It's just random.)

I have a few questions. Why do I do the things I do? Am I leaving things as they are? Will I ever have a peek into what my future is like?

Just Blogging

Just a few hours away to my Microbiology practical test and I'm just slacking. Heh.

Not planning to do much lately. Just happy enough to plunge myself fully in schoolwork. Something I have been neglecting for the past 2 semesters. I just hope I could redeem myself this semester and not worry my mom again. Heh. I seem to have this awful affinity with bad results in first semester and a somewhat miraculously good results in the second sem. I must be mad. Will this happen again? Stay tuned.

Just a little under the weather lately. Am almost 100% recovered from the cough. I can't wait to stuff chocolates into my system again! Have never felt such bad withdrawal symptoms. Heh. :P

OK. End of boring post.

Speechless

I found something disturbing today while I was helping a friend with his Malay homework. He had to translate some news article and he has chosen to cover the news of Pope John Paul's recent passing. I was scouring the net for online Malay "newspapers", and to my shock and disbelief, there is not ONE article (not even a short 10-liner) mentioning his passing. And may I add, those two papers are the supposed "national" papers.

I'm pretty speechless. And I would call this deliberate avoidance of reality. But of course, this is the power of media. I also noticed that only the so-called Western countries made comments on his passing. I guess any other country that sends a condolence would implicate their political stand. After all, the Pope himself is a somewhat influential figure.

On a rather personal note, I find that I am starting to have problems expressing myself coherently. Gone were the GP days where I could write properly. As you can see. The ideas are rarely elaborated on, and there is simply no structure in the thinking process.

I seem to have "devolved" (as opposed to "evolve") in my thoughts as I had been so caught with myself, myself and myself lately. The larger world out there with all the earthquakes and killings and tube insertions are nothing but news to me. I am not asking to be bothered by these issues, but I have stopped thinking and wondering about their implications on humanity. Or rather, how has humanity been moving for the past year leading to such events. Or simplistically, maybe it's just due to a bunch of dingbats.

Or maybe, one semester devoid of arts module has reduced my thinking/reasoning ability.

***

To a more bimbotic and egocentric matter, I've had an interesting morning marked with brainless conversations and webcamming. :) It's been good. I want things to remain this way.

Hum hum hum!

Feeling a little dizzy. But generally I'm pretty jolly. Had a good day today although I was kinda dreading the classes and especially the project. Ugh.

Anyhow, have never felt so contented in a long time. That made me burst into songs. Haha! Hope you liked them. :)

Tomorrow will be another busy day...but I'm going out to relax!

FOUR more weeks to exams! Oh dear me.

Have a great time everyone. I can't wait to see my dear old friends again. I wanna go out and sit in a cafe and chat for hours and hours. Miss the good old times when all of us are so free. I just hope that work will not steal away too much of our interaction time!

Well, bimbotic me have decided to go to bed now because I believe the codeine phosphate in the cough mixture is starting to kick in.