bleep!

Fine fine. I will blog! But I feel extremely lazy. Although I am not really short of anything to blog about. Ah well, some short updates then.

1. Matric Fair is over! Yipee...but that would also mean that FIC, Welcome Tea etc etc will be coming up soon! *jitters* A little bit apprehensive about the juniors though. There are so many from JC/secondary choirs. Wonder what is their expectation is like.

2. Went out for a late movie yesterday night. I love I, Robot! Although I still prefer the book. Nice graphics etc etc. Yup. Just go and watch it lah.

3. Dumdeedum. Free day today. Just did some cleaning up of the room. I still had an empty box lying around after being here for 2 weeks. Haha. The room's all prepared for your coming, darling! Wooohooo~ I can't wait.

Alright. I admit it. I sound extremely boring. I mean, look at this post. Count the number of words that I've used repeatedly, minus the 'the's and 'and's and 'a's. So boring. Ugh.

TIRED!!!

This is probably the most tired I have ever felt in many many months. Can't remember the last time I stood for hours at end, talking non-stop, persuading people to join the choir. I guess I wan't really expecting much on my part, so that was probably why I had so much fun just harassing the freshies and looking at their flustered ways. Haha.

Met a few familiar faces along the way...and suprise, surpise! I met Gen Lin in NUS Matric Fair!! Haha. Talk about coincidence. We tend to meet each other in the most unusual of occasions at least once each year. In J1, I met him during the National Swim Meet (he was already in UK then). And in J2, some event that I can't really remember. Whatever it is, this is highly unusual. Maybe this is called yuan fen? *chuckle*

At this point in time, I am inundated with tons of managing work. So far I am proud to say that I've been doing them pretty OK. Nothing major bad thing has cropped up yet. Hope things will go on smoothly from now on. Been so busy with meeting people and doing choir stuff lately. I think I have neglected my darling quite a bit. Feeling bad now though...I still think of him now and then, but maybe being busy just keeps the depression away. I don't know. Hmm.

Oh yes, met up with Mark Mooooo and Novie yesterday! It was great fun talking rubbish with them. But most importantly, catching up with them. I mean, they are the closest Singaporean friends I've ever had! And I don't want to lose them due to laziness (in keeping in touch) and my disdain for Singapore. Haha!

Time to go rest now. Been up since 7am this morning with only 4 hours of sleep. Go me!!

To LDR or not?

I don't know what my thoughts are about this, but it is probably relevant. Copied it from here.
- - -
If you've watched the 9th season of Friends, you would've come across an episode where Chandler gets a job in Tulsa and Monica decides to stay in New York. This created a situation where they were inadvertently forced into a long distance relationship.

In a later episode, one of those Christmas holiday ones, Chandler was stuck in Tulsa because of work, and he gets seduced by a co-worker. He then resists her advances, to which she asked if he was happily married, and he said that he was.

"That phone call - that was happy?" she'd insinuated, because Monica was in fact taking his working along with this pretty girl alone in the office rather badly.

"It isn't easy you know. She is entitled to feel a little paranoid," was his (IMHO) remarkably profound answer - and at the same time, a little fake since I don't know any married men today who would've given the same reply.

For very good reasons, this episode has stuck in my mind, because as a wife whose husband goes away a lot for work, I too sometimes feel that I have the right to distrust. I feel that although I am supposed to trust my husband, and that he has never given me cause to not trust him, that time apart alone is justification enough for me to feel a little afraid.

Does this sound unreasonable? Hear me out.

The saying goes 'distance makes the heart grow fonder'. It also makes your mind wander.

To many people who write me and tell me problems along the same lines, I always reply with the same advice: that you need maturity and trust to survive a long distance relationship. Of course, more often than not, this is easier said than done because you hear that even the most stoic of men succumbing to temptation these days. Of course, to deal with this positively, you tell yourself that your partner would not do it to you because you KNOW him or her.

Or do you?

Why is it that, by default, we tell ourselves that we SHOULD trust our mates? Why is it that because our mates have never done us wrong, that that this earns the right to unconditional trust, innocent until proven guilty etc?

The answer is that because everyone deserves a clean slate. How can a relationship survive for long if it is founded on distrust?

While this is well and good, the situation may not be as easy after several years, when the initial will to keep a relationship is faced with all sorts of challenges. Passion wanes, affection dissipates. What's left is simply that you KNOW you want to spend the rest of your life with this one person - or do you?

Unlike the strengthening bonds of love, trust is a commodity that stays the same from the beginning of a (real) relationship, and does not really grow with time. Sure, the gauge takes time to fill up, but it usually doesn't take more than a couple of months. People are surprisingly optimistic when they've set their minds - and hearts - on something or someone.

In fact, in most cases, trust (like respect) is like an old worn bridge, which after much weathering by issues which were never repaired, becomes rickety and unsteady. All it takes now is just something or someone new to come along, who may or may not know how fragile it already is, to break it.

If this is true, isn't it logical for one to ask one's mate for affirmation from time to time? Repairing this bridge means identifying the problem areas before we can begin to fix them. As such, shouldn't couples have to question if there is cause for distrust, instead of cause for trust?

Being apart for long periods of time does strain a relationship - there is no doubt about it. However you choose to deal with, one thing is clear: if this living situation continues, it is not healthy for your relationship in the long run. What each party must remember is that trust must always be affirmed and that it is unfair to expect your partner to feel no insecurity when you are miles apart for extended periods of time.

Ask yourself: Would you have thought, much less tell someone who's trying to seduce you in the heat of the moment, what Chandler said? That your mate is ENTITLED to feel insecure and thus, understand that this WILL cause friction in your relationship?

More importantly, are you doing enough to allay his or her fears (considering your mate is not OVER paranoid because yes, there is a limit to everything)? Or perhaps, not aggravate matters by say, insisting that some things must remain private despite the fact that you're on the verge of a relationship meltdown?

Being half of a whole is not easy - everyone presumes, or wants to believe, that 'love will find a way'. Perhaps the first step really is to realise how much you want your marriage or relationship to work. Perhaps then only can you know how much easier it is to keep that bridge up, instead of having to rebuild it.

Greenlamb is back from Germany...

..with loads of alcoholic stuff to plug my big mouth! Woohoo~ Welcome back Greenlamb! Can really see that you are having a ball of your time over there in Dramstadt (did I get the spelling correct?). And the photos you took - the view is superb! I mean, I was ooh-ing and aah-ing already. Imagine if I were there, I would be rooted to the ground. Haha. Anyway, glad to have you back dude. :) And oh, I must show off this. I've got a Le Petit Prince postcard in German! And it says: Die sterne sind schon, weil sie an eine Blume erinnern, die man nicht sieht...
Translation: The stars are beautiful because of a flower one cannot see...

SIGH.

I want to go overseas too. To live like those people and enjoy the beauty of another culture. But of course, I have stayed in Singapore long enough to have learnt the culture...and what I admire most is the efficiency. And how disciplined and uniform everybody is. :)

bLUR

*gasp*

The week has come. One whole week of time-consuming and energy-draining activity. Woohoo~ Will definitely blog more about the details later when I actually get down to it.

School will begin in 2 weeks for me. In the mean time, I still seem to live in some sort of surreal world. Somehow I don't seem to be in the swing of things yet. Is it because you are still around my dear? But I don't want you to leave so soon!

Dunno what I'm rambling about anyway. Just blogging to fill up my time online I guess.

*sniff*

I am a slightly different person lately. I am at peace with so many things. Haha...

Anyway, I try to make my days as occupied as I can. Going out with people, taking long long naps, attending practices even when my presence wasn't required etc.

I am missing you tremendously right now darling. Sigh.

Think I should go to sleep now lah.

Turnaround and look at me!

Things seem to be going on fine so far. I hope it will only get better from today. :)

Had a really good time meeting up with old friends. It's really good to know that they are doing so well in their universities far far away from here. Sometimes I really do wish that I'm in their shoes. But I guess I am here for a reason and I want to make my presence here count.

This coming semester will be very sucky because I have classes till very late. And the timings are all very weird. The courses I want to do seem to clash like nobody's business. But I hope the theatre course would be a refreshing change from the typical lecture-tutorial type of module.

And I am beginning to feel OK being away from you. I am just a little afraid that your visit might tip this delicate balance. But of course, I am not stopping you from coming. I still want to see you badly, but I'm just a little afraid.

Struggles

I thought I was strong. I thought all was well as long as I could hold back the tears and the intense longing in my heart. And I did just that. Through the whole journey until I reached my own room. Then it was chit-chatting with some friends and dinner. After that, I really couldn't take it anymore. The pressure was building up and I really couldn't hold back anymore.

It was a great relief, letting go all of the grief. (Pun unintended) But it was a show of weakness. For me to cry and let my emotions have a stronghold over me. My body shook as every tear struggled against my will to be released.

I miss you tremendously already. But yet, I was proud to tell you that I did not shed a tear on the bus. And there were none of those intense and tugging longing for you.

But right now, all my strength has been overpowered.

I am the same me again. Weak, and emotional.

***

Today was a day gone by in a daze. My mind was laying out plans and trying to go against what my heart has in store for me. My mind was already planning to clean up the room, unpack all the remainder things, remove the rubbish, put away the boxes, rearrange my bookshelf, set up the printer, look through some documents, practice the songs etc etc. The list was endless. All my mind wanted to do was to prepare me for tomorrow.

But I did what my heart told me to. Just relax and enjoy the company of friends. Get to know more people (juniors) and just let the day go by. Tomorrow will have its own worries.

SIGH.

And, I MISS YOU.

Yesterday

Had so so much fun yesterday! Now I feel ready to take on the horrid cruel world! Muahaha. And I guess I am ready, too, to spend another semester away from you. I will make sure I get to see you for Christmas!

On a happier note...

...Mommy saw how sad I was and offerred to sponsor my air tickets to US! Yay. But that would still mean extra-extra-extra-thriftiness this semester.

Bah. Raining again. Am supposed to go out about NOW.

Cold cold. I want a hug.

More thoughts

The other day when I walked towards RJ to meet THX, I saw many many juniors making their way home. It was as if I could see myself in the same uniform just around the corner, joking and laughing with you and others as we make our way to wherever. It felt that a long time has passed since I last stepped out of those gates in the purple-tinted white blouse and green pleated cheerleader skirt.

And on the way, I met a couple of juniors. High-flyers, they are. One is going over to UCSD and another, to UPenn. And both of them, prestigious scholarship holders. Hearing them talk about their plans for their future makes me slightly envious of their achievement. But then again, I wouldn't want to be bonded for so many years in SINGAPORE. Urgh. (Sorry folks, I really find it hard to mask my disgust for Sg.) One thing that struck me though, these two people were so confident of their choice. And obviously very proud of their achievements. I don't blame them a bit. It's just weird. I was so much like them. Nothing much to be proud of, but still proud that I am able to get my first choice course in uni and so full of ambition and hopes. Sounds so naive. Haha. But now, I wonder how many of my batchmates still feel that sense of high-spiritedness we felt initially.

Oh well, I must've gone very cynical over the hols. Heh.

Messed up and screwed up. BIG TIME.

What is wrong with me? Every time when I come home, things crop up. Is this a divine plan to topple me on purpose? I'm in a horrible mess now. Mentally and emotionally, that is. And the support that I'm hoping to get...they are just non-existent.

1. I want to quit NUS.
Just because I am getting more and more unhappy staying in Singapore. I do not enjoy going to classes, and I simply do not enjoy living the Singaporean lifestyle. Right, it's always easy to say that I don't have to conform to whatever that is around you. I tried. And I stuck out like a sore thumb. I don't know more than half of my classmates personally. I only know them by their faces. And I am sick of the way I have to be in control of everything. People being irritatingly kiasu around me just irks me.

2. I just want a break.
So I have been home. And I am still on holiday. But I have been working my ass off since the start of Sem 2 of my first year. Throughout this hols, everyday I awake to the fear of something screwing up in Singapore while I'm at home. So tell me, how to have a proper break? And the thing is, I am not allowed to take a rest. Just because I am a bloody-lousy-lazy-irresponsible-immature President of the Choir.

3. My parents think I'm a loony bin.
After considering the possibility of quitting school and totally relocating myself elsewhere, I decided to reveal my plans to them. Just to see what is their opinions about it. At least my mom tried to understand. But my dad, called me stupid right from the start. So he thinks that the As I got came just like that. Does he know how much I have to work for them? Does he know anything? Nope. He doesn't bloody understand. And he doesn't even try. All he thinks is his bloody kampung thinking is the best. That it's ok to live in a house that looks like a warehouse. And that THE ONLY WAY to succeed in life is through the hard way. That it is NOT OKAY to wish to retire at the age of 35.

I am just sick of what has been given to me at this point in time. I am only seeking to change what I can change. I am trying to get myself out of this shitty life that I am in now.

And I wished I could make you understand. But I guess we are two too different people. You will never be able to understand what my past was like. And how it has shaped me.

Hum Tum

Well, I have to admit that I was very extremely mean for the last 2 posts. Sorry darling. It was done out of spite. And out of immaturity and silliness. I know you have forgiven me. Thank you!

Today was another pigging out day. Went to have dinner with James and had this really huge portion of fish and chips and some vegetable+mushroom+chicken soup. Then I stopped by to get my daily portion of fruits and we went on a shopping spree! My wonderful coaxing resulted in James spending helluva money. Hurhurhur. And I got myself this pair of beach shorts from 37 degrees which costs only $17! Damn cheap man. I'm becoming a sucker for cheap stuff. I can't stand it. Haha.

Went to Johnson's room just now to have a look at his 13 hamsters! All beautiful and cute. I wanna adopt 2 of them...but somehow I feel unprepared to have pets. I'm unsure of how I'll take good care of them. We'll see how. I'm sure darling will definitely urge me to just get a pair from Johnson.

Ah. Sunday. Think I should go down to Ikea and look for new furniture. Need some storage drawers as well shoe racks that won't take up floor space. Hopefully they will not exceed my budget!

Updates at a glance

Well, easy updating method for you. So that I don't have to talk on the phone and be so inconsiderate when you are dying to go to sleep.

1. I changed my phone plan.
From tomorrow onwards, all incoming calls are free. I have 500 free local sms-es but only 100 free outgoing minutes. Went to Bukit Batok to change the plan today. Was an impulsive thing because my phone bill came up to a total of SGD 225. Just realised I better do something before I drain my account.

2. I bought some more earrings.
To plug the holes I have done due to your constant request. Not really cheap (if converted to RM), but OK in SGD.

3. Collected your watch for you from THX.
All the trouble we went through...battling the after-work crowds.

4. Bought my bus ticket home.
Will be boarding the bus at 12noon on Tuesday. Figure out yourself what time I'll arrive.

5. Had dinner with a friend in Orchard.
Had not-too-bad Korean food for only $5! But makes me very thirsty now. Ended the dinner with yummy gelato and white chocolate dipped strawberries. They only cost $1 for 3! Wanted to get some for you, but need to find a good way to pack them home so that they won't melt.

Yup. Easy peasy way to update you, no?

Grr

I know you are very tired. Everyday. Everytime you return from work. I know that can't be helped. But I am just trying to help you. Just showing a little concern, and suggesting some possible solution. Just a little request to ask you to go to bed a little earlier. So that you would feel better the next day. And in return, I get a scolding. I am accused for making you feel bad for having to attend trainings and going for friend's birthday party. And I get blamed for having to talk to me every night.

I know you are tired. So am I. Do you know the shit I am going through? Do you know how frustrating it is to organise something and to have people not turn up? Do you know how difficult it is for me to look confident and cheerful while I am seething inside? How do think I feel when I see someone that signed up for a certain event and doesn't turn up? But instead, caught him hanging around campus and giving me the look as if I was invisible? Does all these outpouring of frustration waste your time? Tell me then, what am I supposed to tell you when I talk to you on the phone each day.

Who am I in your eyes? Just some bimbo that happened to be elected as president? Do you really think that I am so free? Just because I don't hold a 8 to 5 job does that make me any more free-er than you?

I am fed up with this. Bugger off.

I am very mad

I really shouldn't make an issue out of this. But why do I feel that when I'm away, you are having so much fun and seem to be more occupied? Ah well, guess I feel left out lah...

I am very frustrated. Why don't people bloody turn up for rehearsals? Why are people so darned uncommitted!?!?!

%$##$%.

And why can't I get information from you??? Why do I have to get the feeling to take over the organising??

Thwarted

Planned to go to the library early today, just to pick up some good books. But well, woke up a little late and decided to check my mail first and settle whatever that is urgent at hand at the moment. And when I was ready to go, realised that it started raining. Well, rain doesn't really hamper my travelling (since NUS is very well-sheltered wherever we go. Lucky peeps, aren't we?), but the sense of laziness is beginning to set in. Tummy started to feel a little queasy...

Oh. And I have added some links in the box on the right. Have been wanting to add them a long time ago, but just never got around doing it. Since I'm going to be spending a good part of my afternoon online, I might as well do something good.

Haha

Suddenly so happy. Hahaha.

Anyway. Just a one-liner post. Well, not really lah...

Simplicity

Sometimes it's so easy to be blinded by all the bad things that are happening. Then we wonder, hey, what's wrong man? I guess sometimes bad things happen so that when there are no more bad things, the normal things are a joy to us. Simple things like being able to sit and chat throughout dinner and then taking a walk in West Coast Park and discovering a perfect make-out spot. Teehee. Kidding about the makeout spot though.

And it is so easy to be ungrateful for the enormous amount of time -- when we are busy, it's so easy to lament and wish for more time. This is because we don't love our free time enough! Haha.

Things seem to be looking up from today. Enjoyed myself thoroughly despite not having any programmes planned for today. The after-dinner walk was a spontaneous idea. I'm starting to love spontaneity. Although last minute work is still not very much my cuppa. ;)

Another half-free day tomorrow! Will be good and wake up early and head to the library to get a few good books to read. Then it will be choir all the way from 4pm to 10-ish?

There's one special person I want to thank. It's you, Rachel. For lifting my spirits up by your mere presence. :) It's always a joy to talk to in person rather than through MSN. Hee.

And not to forget the ever present (not really physically, but in my mind) best friend -- Lip Yoong. You have taught me what Carpe Diem really means. And not to take things so seriously. Love you tons! *HUG*

A hug to everyone for thinking of me once in a while.

And Nadia, I can't wait to go to Redang!!! Wooohooo~

Bad Hair Days

Argh. My hair is all over the place! Yikes. This is a problem with shorter hair, I guess...When I used to have really long hair, ie, bra-line-long, ba hair days are solved by just securing the whole mane with rubberband. And voila, nice and neat. But not with shoulder length hair and weird fringes. Good thing I'm not going out today. Heehee.

How's your day? I awoke to a sunnier day and I just hope it won't heat up my room too much.

Ciao~

Loveliest thing I've heard today.

Beautiful quote.

Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib; not from his feet to be walked on; not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal; under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.

Suay ahhhh!

Ever since I posted the kay-poh post, nobody commented anymore. Sighs.

More misfortunes befell me yesterday! Misplaced my wallet, got scolded by another group's conductor and messed up some room booking stuff. Sigh. This trip back here is definitely jinxed man. What is wrong huh?

At least I'm not missing him that much anymore. Makes my day a little easier without having to go out with puffy eyes and red nose. But I still can't wait to go back into his loving embrace. :)

To waste some time...

You see, excessive blogging comes when I have loads of time in my hands and there is fast, unlimited internet access and when life is such a b***h. I miss home dearly. I miss you Nadia. And I miss you TLY.

So, what have I done so far? Well, since I am living out of my suitcase, I can do nothing much except sleep, be entertained by the internet, sms, and just trying to clear the mess in my head. I feel very lonely here and I want to settle down as soon as possible. My emotion's in a mess right now. Sigh.

Well, this morning I woke up at 8am and went, shucks, too early, I might as well sleep in since I don't have much to do. So I slept and woke up about 2 hours later. Woke up feeling slightly kan cheong and went online to talk to student conductor. Am glad certain things are ironed out already. I have more to do. Then chatted with a few friends, found out how they are etc. And when I was about to go to the office to settle my room problems, he came online. Happy happy! Talked to him for a while and then went to the office. Nothing's been done. I have to stay put in this temporary room and live out of my suitcase for another week. *groan* So there was I, feeling a little disappointed and messed up (again) decided to seek solace by surfing the net. Ah well, at least I did feel better, but I just couldn't get rid of the nagging urge to do some work. And so, I did some work. And then slept.

Anyhow, I have to be strong. Yes, I gotta be cos there is no one near me enough to give the support I need. And even if I miss him and home terribly, I will get to see them again. :)

Righty. Off I go now. Choir practice later. Shall think of stuff to occupy myself with tonight.

And oh, why did Greece win? Tsssssk.

Worry worry

I'm worried sick. It's already 7 hours and a half and he hasn't reached home yet! I can't even get him on the phone. Hope everything's alright...

Not so nice things. Sigh.

Things seem to be going very wrong lately. I was so reluctant to return to Singapore but I had to. Duty always calls. Sigh.

Arrived in Singapore on Saturday instead of Sunday as originally planned. Despite having sent emails to the residence management, I did not get the room I was allocated to. Apparently there is still complications with the room. According to a senior, it could be either there is still an occupant, or the lock system are not completely done yet. Due to this, I was assigned a temporary room elsewhere. Not too bad I guess, considering there is a washbasin in the room. And I am ever so thankful to have my darling baby with me. I was so weak and emotional, I could breakdown any moment. But his presence was so reassuring, he gave me the support I needed. Thank you so much dear. And to add salt to the wound, I could not get access to my belongings in a friend's room just because his neighbour was busy working. The night was spent without pillows, bedsheets and other essential stuff. I was literally living out of my suitcase (and still am). Grar. The most disappointing of all was the fact we couldn't even get to meet any of our RJ ASEAN buddies!

I am still in a mess. My mind's very confused and I have an emotional baggage waiting to be unloaded. It doesn't help that I am missing him like crazy now. *SCREEEEEEEEEEAM*

I want to go home, BADLY. And I wish I have the choice not to step foot in Singapore or NUS ever again.

What.

I'm back. Whee~

So exciting huh.

*groan*

Football

Can't seem to see my blog again. Why is it always 404 Page Not Found? Hmmm...

Anyway, yesterday was interesting. He came over to my house to watch football. But lousy me didn't even manage to stay awake until the 30th minute. Heehee. Went to bed immediately after that. And he, too, according to my brother, fell asleep shortly after I went to bed. Hahahaha.

:P